Thankfully, God loves me very much and had a better idea of what was good for me. In walks Dustin Mahler, unwittingly tearing down all of my carefully placed protections, and literally throwing me way off course with one, very cheesy and beautiful grin. I remember watching him walk up the driveway to my house, wearing a blue-tooth in each ear, and smiling at his own hilariously funny joke (so he thought). I remember noticing that the setting sun made him look like he was shrouded in a thin veil of gold. I remember laughing, because I did (and still do) find him hilarious. I remember my laughter fading fast the closer he got to me and with a silent, "oh crap" I knew I was in love. My future as I saw it changed drastically in that moment. Dustin Mahler, best friend, became Dustin Mahler, best friend AND spouse. You literally can't beat that. I know I scored and I'm not afraid to admit it.
I'm looking at the one and only item of clothing I bought my daughter. A green onesy with an electric guitar on it and the words, "my dad rocks!" My girl was gonna be a bad ass dresser. My girl was a fighter and I wanted the world to know that she was fiercely wanted and loved by her mommy and daddy. She still is.
I miss her. I miss getting to find out if she would look more like me or Dustin. I miss her beautiful little face. The moment she was born, everything in me melted into the biggest puddle of mush. She looked so impish and yet so sweet, as if she knew something I didn't and thought it was hilarious that grown up mommy couldn't see what she saw.
My Edy knew her mommy was full of crap. She knew that her mommy was made to be hers. She knew that before I did. She knew that my safe-guards and misconceptions of self broke the moment I saw her. How could I not want this beautiful little being that fought so hard for eight months? How could I not want to risk this same heart ache to try again someday? I think she was laughing.
Today, I love you Edy. Today, I miss you Edy. Today, I am beginning to hope that someday I will get to hold another baby and tell that baby all about it's big sister Edy. Today is for you my Edy because mommy sure loves you.