Skip to main content

We Should Go Dancing


You know those moments when sorrow and joy collide with such force, you can't tell if you want to cry or laugh? Some of us talented folks can do both. Friday evening was a test of my body's ability to physically exude both emotions without implosion or explosion. It was a feat worthy of note, hence this blog posting. 
It started with a show, or a concert more like, where my husband's band was the opening act. Late Night Transit (husband's band) was up and getting started and I was helping the drummer's wife corral their three beautiful daughters into seats where we could all see our men in action. As soon as the music started, the youngest daughter (she's 2) got up and started dancing as if her feet couldn't touch the floor fast enough. She hopped and flailed her arms and shook her mini rump as fast as her little body could get the actions out. In the middle of all of her unabashed dancing, she would stop and laugh with such wild joy that I couldn't help but join in. It was beautfiul. Her laughter, her freedom of movement, her delight in her daddy's music....., it took my breath away. I've seen kids dance and laugh before, my own neice is rockin' it hard core in the picture above, but this little one was something different. She had so much infectious joy just oozing from her, I had to join in and delight in the music with her. As swiftly as my laughter came, so came the tears. I wanted that to be my Edy out there dancing with wild abandon, proud of her daddy and the magic he makes with music.
I've had a few days to ponder that moment and the word that seems to come to me over and over again is "simple". I think what struck me most about the dancing little beauty was the simplicity of her emotion. She felt joy, she expressed it. There's nothing complex about that, nor should there be. How does that word "simple" apply to me? Well, grief has become all about allowing each moment to express itself simply, without me constantly trying to grieve the "right way" or judging myself for needing to grieve. I am simply trusting my Father to hold my heart, knowing that He, above any other, knows my sorrow. Grief is no longer that tiny crack in the windshield that ends up spider webbing across my field of vision. Grief is simple and holds no power to overwhelm me, because I have no need to figure it out. So when I cry, I cry good and hard. When I miss my Edy, I let the missing of her wrap it's arms around me. When I imagine her little pixie face, I smile until my face hurts. I talk when I need to talk, I write when I need to write. I let my husband hold me as I hold him, knowing that we are learning to hold onto our Father together. Most of all, I know my Edyth is dancing, and she's dancing with our Savior. You just can't beat the joy in that. Rock on my Edy, dance away.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Joy

(This is not a pretty entry, but I felt it was time to finally share it. For a long time after my Edy died, I felt ashamed of the relief I felt. I felt ashamed that I didn't want to kiss her head because she was no longer alive. I felt like a complete failure as a mother, that I didn't deserve her and losing her was my punishment for being such a failure. God has walked Dustin and I through so much healing since then, He has amazed me with His faithfulness to restore, encourage, and heal all that has felt so very, very broken since losing our baby girl. There is still not a day that goes by that I don't think about her or miss her, but the grief no longer haunts me. I see how, in the hands of our very loving Father, the shadows of grief are dispelled and grief no longer becomes a fearful thing. Not quite friend, but no longer an enemy. Only God can turn our sorrow into joy, and that joy is so deep it becomes a cornerstone. It is no fleeting feeling, but a river of strength…

The In Between

In that cave,
That dark and cavernous empty space,
A small light flickers
A warm glow piercing the cold shadows.

A little girl is crying,
Sitting on a rock and crying
That little girl is me.

The sorrow wraps around her
Swallows the air around her
I'm afraid it will never leave.

In that dark cave,
That lonely, damp cave
My Jesus sits beside me.

He's sitting in the darkness with me
And the darkness is not scary for him
He's not afraid of the dark like I am.

Where does the story go from here? I would like to put a pretty bow on the package and call it a present, and I am sure that someday I will see this time as God intends it to be seen. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that He is not afraid of the unknown the way I am. He is also not afraid of my feelings. The bad ones and the ones I can't explain.
I was talking to a friend who has recently lost a loved one and I got this picture of  a little girl sitting in a lonely, dark cave. I could almost feel the dampness seep…

A Bad Pair of Undies

It all adds up to a day like today.
Sitting in an extremely uncomfortable office chair, hunching over a laptop, eating Hot Tamales, and reading things that make me cry. It's as if I'm addicted to the tears, and yet somehow immune to them. They surface and slide down my cheeks and splash on the desk in front of me, but their meaning gets lost somewhere along the way. The intent behind the sorrow loses it's poignancy and I'm somehow left void of any sense of their purpose.
There are days like today where I wonder what I'm waiting for. What's holding me back, keeping me down, telling me to stop? Sometimes I think the Lord does that, and sometimes I think I do that. I go back to the familiar because it's familiar, but it's a cold comfort and even a little evil in it's familiarity. I'm trying to be happy for those who are seeing their dreams come to life, because it's good to be happy for those things. But I also feel sad for myself. Yes people. …