"From your head to your toes,
You're so sweet goodness knows
You're so precious to me
Cute as can be
Baby of mine"
- Dumbo, Walt Disney
I made the mistake of watching Dumbo. I told myself I could handle this cartoon, even though as a five year old, this movie wrenched my heart strings and brought me to tears. Every time. Not once has this movie left me dry eyed. What is it with vintage Disney and these rip your heart out cartoons?
"Baby of Mine" croons over the speakers as sweet mommy animals are nestling their little one's into the comfort of sleepy time on the screen, while almost orphaned Dumbo is being cradled by his mother through bars. Who wouldn't cry?
What is almost ironic about my history with this movie, is that I love it. I absolutely love it. The sweetness in that song gets me every time. As a five year old, watching through the medium of a BETA player (my parents refused to get with the times and own a VHS player), that scene of parental care and love spoke to me because I knew what it was to be mothered by a woman who would comfort me when I was lonely or scared, who would cuddle me when I forced myself onto her lap and begged for hugs. She was, and is, my mom. And such a good mom at that.
Watching this movie as a grown woman, a grown woman who has lost her daughter, listening to that song and watching that scene reminds me of what I am missing, but also what I am looking forward to.
In my heart, where that deep ache hides and only finds solace in the sweetness of my Father's spirit, is the knowledge that my Edy is laughing, joyfully wrapped in the arms of our King.
She is fine. More than fine.
I am missing her.
Burgeoning up into that place of loss is an ever growing blossom of hope.
Time, in the hands of a Healing Father, has begun her labor of love and reminded me that all is not lost, that hope is waiting to be embraced and brought to life.
I am looking forward to this.
I wrote this post, at the risk of sounding redundant. "She's writing about grief again!" but I so badly need the universe to know that more than my sorrow for losing my child, at the very core of me I know peace and a day by day strengthening joy. Just as much as God is caring for, loving, cherishing and nurturing my little Edy....., He is doing the same thing for Dustin and I.
I'm not afraid of having another child. It is always worth the risk....., for love.
If I had let fear dictate to me years ago, my ability to give and receive love, I would never have gotten married. Fear will always say the risk is too great. Love will always say the risk is worth it.
That's how Dumbo learned to fly.