Little Lion

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To Be Surprised

Anyone who has lost, knows the trepidatious prayer. The one barely spoken, Whispered in the dark surrounded by fear and doubt and the fragrance of despair. I walked foward, one foot in front of the other, wincing from the pain of my poorly thought out shoe choice, my fingers lightly pinching the underside of my father's be-suited arm. "When I wrap my arms around you Every mistake we made crumbles When I wrap my arms around you Everything echoes a new song." - Sondre Lerche 'To Be Surprised' It's the song playing through my tunnel vision. I'm so very focused. And so very happy. You're looking at me and your face is twitching with a million unshed tears. I can't stop smiling. My feet are really killing me now. I let go of my father's arm and take your hands instead. I want to swallow your eyes with mine so you can see my heart. Because it all makes sense now. Each tear I had c

A Bad Pair of Undies

It all adds up to a day like today. Sitting in an extremely uncomfortable office chair, hunching over a laptop, eating Hot Tamales, and reading things that make me cry. It's as if I'm addicted to the tears, and yet somehow immune to them. They surface and slide down my cheeks and splash on the desk in front of me, but their meaning gets lost somewhere along the way. The intent behind the sorrow loses it's poignancy and I'm somehow left void of any sense of their purpose. There are days like today where I wonder what I'm waiting for. What's holding me back, keeping me down, telling me to stop? Sometimes I think the Lord does that, and sometimes I think I do that. I go back to the familiar because it's familiar, but it's a cold comfort and even a little evil in it's familiarity. I'm trying to be happy for those who are seeing their dreams come to life, because it's good to be happy for those things. But I also feel sad for myself. Yes people.

Joy

(This is not a pretty entry, but I felt it was time to finally share it. For a long time after my Edy died, I felt ashamed of the relief I felt. I felt ashamed that I didn't want to kiss her head because she was no longer alive. I felt like a complete failure as a mother, that I didn't deserve her and losing her was my punishment for being such a failure. God has walked Dustin and I through so much healing since then, He has amazed me with His faithfulness to restore, encourage, and heal all that has felt so very, very broken since losing our baby girl. There is still not a day that goes by that I don't think about her or miss her, but the grief no longer haunts me. I see how, in the hands of our very loving Father, the shadows of grief are dispelled and grief no longer becomes a fearful thing. Not quite friend, but no longer an enemy. Only God can turn our sorrow into joy, and that joy is so deep it becomes a cornerstone. It is no fleeting feeling, but a river of str

Dogs In Sweaters and the Infertility Highway

I almost took a nosedive out of my office chair, so surprised by the sun was I. After days of deluge and dark skies, the sun is peeking at me with an impish grin from behind my office curtains and without realizing it, my heart feels tickled by the warmth of it. It reminds me to have hope. Today started off with a visit to my doctor. One of my many doctors. You see, for the past two years Dustin and I have been travelling down Infertility Highway, and every mile along the way has a mandatory road side stop, each one representing one more invasive test, one more blood draw, one more change to diet or medication or opinion. I'm not complaining, I'm thankful for my doctors, I'm thankful that they have hope...., because there are days that I'm so tired of fighting for this, it's good to have someone to have hope for me. But "this" represents a baby. Ours. Isn't that worth fighting for? Yes. Yes it is. Things have been getting better for me

The Uglies

Here's a funny story, I recently took a mental hike and stepped in something pretty stinky. When I looked down to see what that something stinky might be, I found myself ankle deep in a........ Steaming Pile of the Uglies. My own, in fact. I think I must have suffered an implosion of sorts, and everything that was "in" decided to come "out". Out came the angry witch lady who yells at her dog for being alive. Out came the petulant toddler screaming at her husband....., who dared to say words. Out came the lazy sloth....., who decided that living in a pig sty could actually be cozy. Out came the sullen teenager, who decided that silence is the best sort of communication. Out came the despairing and wilted lily, who decided that life was Just-So-Totally-Over. Oh boy did it steam and did it stink. I must have been saving it all up for months. It's funny how emotions can build up like that. Like a giant 2 liter bottle of soda shaken up and re

Sometimes Hot Sauce Leads to Hope

I just had one of those moments where someone in my life, who is no longer living, has just reached out and pointedly pointed to the words I so desperately needed to read. And looking back at my previously written sentence one could assume that this happens often. No. It really doesn't. Now, before anyone starts thinking this is a ghost story and that my next paragraph will begin with a "dark and stormy night", let me just put those thoughts to rest. That is not how my next paragraph will start. It will start like this; I was laying in bed with an upset tummy, possibly a flu bug but more likely the result of all the Frank's Hot Sauce I decided to dump on my Christmas mac and cheese. I had just finished watching the most recent episode of Project Runway Allstars and was browsing through Instagram and Facebook and....., well, digital garbage really, when I started to feel a sense of unrest in the region I like to call my heart. You see, every once in awhile