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This Morning

“But they’ll say, ‘Why should we? What’s the point? We’ll just live the way we’ve always lived, doom or no doom.’”
Jeremiah 18:12 (The Message)

For some reason this passage struck a chord with me. I couldn’t help but feel the passivity in the message it spoke….., what’s the point of living according to God’s standards? Time passes as it always does, we grow old, then die…., just like everyone else. Why should we expend energy believing in a God we can’t see, that requires an inexhaustible supply of trust and faith to believe in? These questions seem so logical if I’m looking at what’s right in front of me. If I’m letting the right here and right now be the determiner of my actions and the influence of my thought life. This passage bespeaks of a “grasp what you can now” mentality that holds no hope of a future beyond what this earth holds in our clay bodies.
Is that really how I want to live?
Is that how I am living?
In some respects I can see a picture of myself in this scripture. I haven’t even meant to live passively and yet I find myself living to survive, each day just wondering if there’s “something else” out there for Dustin and I. Waiting for something to change. Wanting life to mean more than what I feel like it means right now. I realized that since Edy died I have been slowly giving up on myself and it’s an everyday battle to pursue the things that I know will mean health and joy for me. Eating right, exercising, pursuing the Word of God on a regular, if not daily, basis.  Learning to love this life, even though my Edy isn’t here to share it with me. I don’t want to forget the beautiful things that are in my life, the beautiful people. Dustin. I don’t want to forget that you, Lord,  have given me an amazing friend to share this life with and what an answer to prayer he is. 
Lord, I don’t want to fall into forgetfulness and passivity when it comes to loving you and being loved by you. I want my life to reflect the joy it is to be your daughter. I want to know that this isn’t it. That this isn’t all there is for Mariam Joy Mahler. I don’t want to feel cursed anymore. I want to live in hope. I don’t want to feel dead inside anymore.
Often I feel like David. I have my days that are full of complaints and sorrows, where all I seem to be able to say to the Lord is, "Why me? Don't you see that I'm miserable here?" but piggy-backing those awful moments are the truly joyful reminders that my life is blessed. I look at my husband sleeping next to me and I am in awe that I get to share my life with this man. Everyday, I get to hold his hand and call him "friend" and "lover". I take a moment to breathe in the smiles and the hugs of the friends God has surrounded me with, and I remember that I'm not alone. This is the balm to the gaping wound of sorrow surrounding my heart. Life is not all loss. Life is not all suffering. A friend of mine recently shared with me something God showed her about Grace, and how there is no comparing of trials in God's world. 

I was reading a lot about the suffering church in places like China, and North Korea, and how much they have suffered for Jesus, and I started comparing myself to them..... and then I saw this picture of Grace. And how, no matter what we go through, God always gives us enough grace. So, whether you are facing torture or a pulled back muscle, the trial isn't what we should measure, but His Grace. And that makes us equal. Does that make sense? I drew a picture of it but I don't know if I'm accurately describing it with just words. In the picture, I saw a glass filled with whatever the trial was, and His Grace was like the water that was poured over it, and it always filled the cup so that the trial was covered by the water.

It reminds me that God's grace is my measuring stick....., not my own opinions or my perception of others opinions. God's grace is what is spreading it's arms around Dustin and I when we are missing our little girl, and hoping for the next child. It's God's grace that is assuring me that our lives are more than the minutes spent in breathing in and breathing out. My life has worth and value because I am His clay to mold, His precious child to love, His dear daughter to cherish.
I will not live a passive life because my Father's purpose for me is far from passive existence.

Oh Jesus,
This isn’t my life
Not mine alone
You’ve given me those to love
And those to love me
There is more than hope in this room
There is more than joy in this heart
There is life eternal
Resting in the very nature of God Himself
There is love eternal
Resting in the very heart of God Himself
I am part of His story
As He is the whole of mine.

I just wanted to share this song......., it was what I needed this morning....., along with my two shots of espresso. 


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